snapshot no.1408

went to visit grandma at the hospital. she was admitted about a few days ago due to breathing difficulties. it's some heart problem but she'll be fine after some treatment and will be discharged soon. which also means that it is safer for her not to go for the korea trip next monday and that she'll be staying at my place for the time being till my uncle returns from korea. a decision made by the elders because at my place, we can take good care of her.

by my grandma's side just now, i saw the little boy whom i used to be when she took care of me and watched me grow. grandma taught me the morals and values of life but somehow she unknowingly left out the part on how to achieve them along the way. and how to deal with the problems in life and love. as an only child, inevitably i would be more spoilt than other children. i knew i wanted to get my way for almost everything and when i don't i would make a big fuss. or at least become upset over it. the latest toys, gadgets, etc. even games had to be played by my rules. thinking back, i still feel that little tinge of bitterness when grandma had to comply with my demand to purchase a $6.90 origami book which my parents didn't think that it was worth the money.

on the contrary, i wasn't a bad or a naughty boy. rather, i was a good boy who loved his family, achieved good grades in school and seldom got into any trouble at all. as a kid, i was true to myself and spoke my mind, no matter the situation. even the spoilt brat in me knew how to express himself when he wanted something. however as the years passed, i grew up and somehow this virtue seemed to have diminished with time. i kept certain things to myself and wasn't totally honest with my thoughts and feelings. but i believed that it was part of growing up, part of maturity. because in harsh reality, you cannot always have the things you want. or the best of both worlds. there are many factors you have to consider before you decide that you really want something. besides that, you have to think of the consequences as well. and that is where i am today. the little boy who was true to himself, and the young man who could not be honest with his feelings.

have i made a mistake? am i wrong all this while? have i not done the right things? right from the very beginning when the unexpected unfolded gradually right before your eyes, what's your take? being true and honest versus being pretentious, in the context of practicality and rationality. and probably possibility as well. have i considered too much and held back too long? who's to know? who's to judge? there isn't a right or wrong answer. and sometimes there are questions you can never find the answers to. decisions are forced to be made. and regrets have to be dealt with. there's no point in what might have been, because there's no answer and no solution.

on a sidenote, my mom told me that because i'm her son, she'll always support me no matter what happens.

that night, i hugged her as her tears rolled down for me.

lessons in life. i guess i still have a lot to learn from grandma when she comes over.

posted by ANDY NG @ 2:51 AM